Winner

I know it's been awhile - I apologize.  I got caught up in this gorgeous weather that we finally got this weekend and kind of spaced all else.

I had a great time with C on Thursday and Friday night!  We can just talk and talk and talk and eat pizza and talk and talk and talk and drink beer and talk and talk and talk and watch FRIENDS and talk and talk and talk forrrrrrrevvvver!  I love it.  And C, I love you, you're the best!  :)

Finally got my hike on this weekend!!  I had the best day with S yesterday.  We went hiking up Millcreek Canyon, did about a 4 mile loop up the canyon and down on Pipeline.  It was just gorgeous up there!  I had really wanted to do the Elbow Fork trail, but it was still snow packed.  We're just going to save that one for later this summer.  I'm glad I have S as a hiking buddy!  We've got a lot of fun hikes tentatively planned for this summer.  We're definitely going to do Mt. Olympus - I still haven't made it all the way to the peak yet.  Last time I was there 2 years ago, we got almost to the rock scramble but it was too snow packed to determine where the trail went so we decided not to figure that out on our own.  So we're doing that one for sure!  I like that we've had a relatively wet, cool spring and early summer, but the snow at the higher elevations just continues to postpone the hiking season, so it was nice to finally get out yesterday.  Hopefully next weekend brings good weather too!  Last night, S BBQed burgers and corn, and we had baked potatoes (sweet for me) and beer, which was by far the best meal I have had in a long time.  It was sooo delicious!!  Definitely the start of a great summer to come.

I finished reading the Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls last night.  It was a great book!  My mom couldn't have said it better - it's amazing that children can go through so much, maintaining such resiliency, and continue on their life with such success, though their parents' were unstable in just about every aspect of their life.  And it's very true.  I loved the book, Walls wrote it in such a way that made it impossible for me to put down.

It was another fantastic day today.  Went running this morning before it got too hot.  4 miles, legs not complaining.  Woot woot!  I just love Liberty Park.  I loved it before I moved over here, but now that I am able to reap its benefits more often, I am just so so so in love with Liberty!  Walked to the Bees game this afternoon with M, sat out on the lawn and had a beer.  Unfortunately the Bees lost to the Albuquerque Isotopes... but that's okay!  I had a good time, nonetheless.  Then I decided that it was most appropriate to have ice cream for dinner to cool down.  :)  I spent a lot of time in the blazing sun this weekend!  I forget how tired just being out in the sun can make you!  Wish I didn't burn so easily... I had to lather on the SPF 50.  haha  So far I'm looking okay though!  Forgot to put sunscreen in the part in my hair, cause that is already beet red and tender as hell.  Damn part.

I am so excited for D to come back tomorrow!!!!!!  I have really missed her and am sooo ready to not have the apartment to myself.

I was watching The Office this week and at the end, Michael says, "at the end of the day we have to choose between living with our self or being happy."  Not that I think those are the two things you ultimately have to choose between at the end of the day, but he's right in that we do have to live with our self.  That being said, I can't do this anymore.  I made a horrible decision to give in to you in the first place, but truth be told, it's wrong.  I can't live with myself.... and you know what?  It doesn't make me happy.  It validated me, for some f*cked up reason, but it's not going to anymore.  This past week, I've taken the time to wrap my head around some things in my past, and I am not happy with that person you encouraged me to me.  I'm done.

Then, I was watching Grey's Anatomy and at the end, Meredith was narrating, saying, "ask most people what they want out of life the answer is simple - to be happy.  Maybe it's this expectation though - the wanting to be happy - that keeps us from ever getting there."  I would have to agree that this tends to be the case for me - in most areas.  It's that expectation.  The expectation to do this, the expectation to do that, that keeps me from learning for myself and living this life for myself.  And you know what, that expectation more than anything, is instilled by me.  I think it's all in my head.  It's what I imagine people are expecting me to do, expecting me to become.  I gotta quit that thinking.  I just have to live.  Just have to be.  And do it for me.  Only then will I truly be free.

This summer I want to let go of my past.  Learn the lessons, but not keep such a tight hold on shit that doesn't f*cking matter and start anew.  Learn to make decisions that make me happy, that help build my relationships with others - not tear them down, and that allow me to live with myself.  I want to be better.  I WANT to be better.

Hopefully the length of this post makes up for my being MIA the past few days.... haha

"I got no time, the talkin' is boring, just look at me soarin', I'm feeling like Jordan."  ~Jamie Foxx feat. Justin Timberlake & T.I., Winner