SNOW

Today I finally, finallllly finished all my finals!! And it was declared a snow day here at the University at about 3pm, which is kinda exciting... I have had a really good week this week actually. I feel back to my old self for once in a long long time... I actually had a great time this weekend and just lived and was genuinely happy! Ah it's been great! Now I'm just getting excited to be home with my family for the holidays. Hopefully the weather lets up for long enough so I can get home safe and sound! But otherwise let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... :)

December!

Today is going to be simply a GREAT day! It's only 8:30 but I already feel like I've accomplished so much! So yesterday Kyle was telling about this wall/core trust relationship we tend to have with people in our lives and it made me realize that there's not exactly a lot of people I trust. I wonder why that is... But we had a good long talk and I think I finally now know that I can completely be myself with him and not worry about anything. That'll be kind of a change for me, but I feel like now I finally have the release I've been needing for awhile. Well I've just got to finish up my delicious post-workout cup of coffee and I'll be on my way to class!

In Memory

On November 12th, 2008, our good family friend Carlos Garrido took his own life in the silence of the night. This moment is for the celebration and rememberance of his life. We love you and miss you Carlos. God Bless you and your family, you all will be in our prayers.

*With a heavy heart and tears rolling down my cheeks, there is so much more I have to say...

Nov 1st

November First. A fresh breath of air. A new start. What is wrong with me these days? I'm falling apart... I thought I was doing so good, but lately I'm just barely getting by. I'm an emotional wreck, but I don't want to be "that" person. It's a new month. A welcome change. I can't do it alone... I need help.

Help.

I need help.
This is my cry.
Someone, please...
Help.

Sadness

Sadness
Cold
A failure
No one
Stressed
Done
Tears
Lonely

FALL BREAK!!!

It's FALL BREAK!!!!!!!!! Finally... the nice, well deserved break from school that we've all been waiting so patiently for! It would be great if the weather was much much warmer, but I can make due :) Things are going pretty well these days, I have some great new friends who I love to death and are so supportive, I have a wonderful, less-stressful job that's going great, and I'm doing good in school! I have been doing better emotionally too, I feel like I have worth. I know I have worth. I would like to thank Kyle for helping me realize that... Life is good =)

Let the rain fall down!

Today is a great day... IT'S RAINING!! What a blessing! This past week was a great week. I transferred to the HR department at work and I absolutely LOVE it!! It was such a good decision. School's going well, I love my social psych class... I also met this guy who is awesome! Hopefully things continue to go well with him cause he's a great guy. LIFE IS GOOD!! I have no complaints, I have been so blessed this week. :) I'm looking forward to Fall Break here next week so I can go home and visit the fam for awhile. I feel like I haven't seen my mom in forever, so that'll be a nice relaxing break from school. And the weather these days have been BEAUTIFUL! Fall is my favorite :) Thank God I'm alive

No Easy Way

Somehow I just keep getting knocked down while I'm still on the ground... Why won't he leave me the hell alone already? "As you cry I wanna lie, say 'I love you so' darling even though I don't, there's no easy way to ease the pain..." That song just keeps running through my head. I don't know what to do anymore. Ruined

Can't focus...

Hello! It's been awhile since I've last posted. A LOT has happened! A lot of things with school and my friends and family and work and Arean... Oh goodness, where to begin?

So this weekend my friends and I went up to watch the Utes brutally murder the Aggies in Logan, at their first home game, during homecoming week, in front of 20,000 fans. It was AWESOME! There will always be a special place in my heart for Utah State, but wow it was very enjoyable to watch them attempt to play football. But the weather was amazing, my family was great, and I enjoyed spending the weekend with my closest buddies.

I've also made some new friends recently, mostly at work... but they've been really good to me and I'm hoping we'll start to hang out more often and such.

This weekend I've had a hard time. One of my very close friends of a couple years told me about how I shouldn't settle for just any guy that I deserve the best. Him saying that really hit hard and meant a lot... It made me really think about Arean and what he now wants from me. Also I learned that my little bro has a gf and he treats her about exactly the same as Arean treated me and I don't want my brother to be that guy... So idk what to do, but it hurts my heart to think about it.

I still can't get my head in the game these days... it's been rough and I just don't feel like I'm keeping it together... I really need someone to talk to cause I can't keep all this in... it's my cross to bear but I need a little help with the load. I don't know why I just can't focus and pay attention, but it's eating me alive. I need someone to talk to but I just... I don't know... am I not trustworthy enough to find someone? Or I feel like I'm not allowed to show weakness, I always have to be the strong, happy one. But it is slowly killing me...

Pure Bliss

Oh and btw... the weather is freakin' AMAZING today!!!! I love it, it's pure bliss!! :) Life is good

10lb/mo

So I have settled on a goal!! 10 pounds a month. I think that's not too bad of a goal!! I can always stand to lose a little more a month, but I think ten pounds is really very reasonable! Now I just have to get in the habit of exercising and eating right and I'll be just fine. Gotta reach that goal! It's the one thing I've wanted the most out of my life... :D

We're no longer a couple... thank goodness. But we're trying to be friends and quite frankly, I don't buy it. I don't think I'm treated as a friend... So I don't really know at this point, but we'll have to see.

Done with him... and psyched!

Ugh my bf is a jerk. I'm just so done with him these days... I dunno if it's maybe the distance or whatever but he is really not very nice to me and I don't find someone like that necessary in my life at all. I'm just so over it all. I wish he would just dump me already, but it seems like he wants to keep me around for a LONG time. Ugh. I'm done. What the hell am I waiting for? Why do I need an excuse?

Oh the other hand I AM SO EXCITED FOR SCHOOL TO START!!!! :) I'm so anxious for it all to start, this semester is going to be SO great!!! I still have my Art History book to buy, but it's so damn expensive I just don't want to buy it... I got so hang out with some of my friends that have finally moved back to Utah and it was really great to see them all! I realized that all 4 of us have such very different religious beliefs and yet we all get along so well. It's like the real world! Dang I really love those guys, it was good to see them again. Two more days! Can't wait :)

Slipping

I'm starting to get worried that my friend is slipping away... not just slipping away from me, but slipping away from LIFE. And that scares me, it really makes me very afraid and very worried. What can I do? I feel like he's trying to reach out, but without anyone else noticing. I know it's up to me, I have to have faith. Dearest God, please help my friend. And please help me help him. I will not let this be his end. Amen.

Wiiiindy

Lamest Saturday everrr... My day's are still all messed up for some weird reason! It totally doesn't feel like a Saturday. And omg this Saturday has to be my lamest one ever!! It was productive and everything but wow.

It's really windy outside, which is great cause it's been so hot and humid here. I hope it rains!! I always pray for rain. I love the rain!

08/08/08

Today is 08/08/08... A historical day! I learned that on days like these, lots of people get married, which seems kinda weird but makes sense. Today is also the day the Olympics start!! I'm really excited, I love the summer Olympics! Also, it was rainy earlier this morning, so I knew my day was off to a good start. Arean and I are back to normal, we really have gotten through so much shit so early in our relationship I know we're strong. The distance is still going to be hard, but I know we can do it. I just spent the evening with some of my best friends and we had such a good time! It's going to be different this year with my new roommates, but I think it will be a good difference. I difference I finally deserve. Well, except for the fact that it's really hot and humid here in Salt Lake, life is soo great!

Worthless

F*ck my life. F*CK MY LIFE. I'm hurting so bad... I just don't know what to do anymore. My whole everything hurts - physically, emotionally, psychologically. This sucks. I can't even function, I just want to go back to sleep, back to dreaming. I understand the reasoning, but I didn't think he'd hurt me like this. Didn't think HE'D be the one to give up. It's going to be so different.... love hurts. F*ck my life. Can I just go already? What's the point. I'm sick of crying, tired of hurting. The distance... the f*cking distance!! I'm so stupid, I feel so worthless - so vulnerable. I"m hurting so bad. SO bad. I love him. Ugh wtf... I'm still so confused. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. F*ck my life. God help me, please God help me. I need help. Where's my faith? I just want to throw up, I feel so awful. I need time.

Hurting

I'm hurting emotionally today :( I know today will end in tears because I'm stressed out and all of a sudden have a lot to think about as far as my own future, what I want, what's best for me, and how my boyfriend plays in all of my decisions. This long distance relationship has already been really hard for me and school hasn't even started yet.

He loves me. I know he does, he tells me all the time... but I'm just not in the same place yet. Yet. Omg I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to leave him but I have to think about what's best for the both of. I have to figure out where my priorities lie and where my heart is. I just don't know and it's killing me inside. I'm hurting. And the only pain relief is him, but he's 100 miles away...

There's so much on my mind and I'm stressing and it's hard to think clearly. I wish he was here. I care about him so much, but the distance is killing me emotionally. Oh my God... I really am falling in love with him...

I hurt

MY life

Today was the first day of my new job and I have a feeling I'm really going to love it! But I need to get another job so I can make some more money before school starts cause I don't have the money to make it through the semester right now.... :S But yeah, life is good! I am starting to get in the hang of living on my own again and I absolutely LOVE it. It's hard to be away from my boyfriend, but I kinda think it's going to be good for me to concentrate. I dunno, we'll see I guess. But I getting my life rolling, going out to see friends, hanging out with the roommates, going to mass, and hopefully getting an exercise schedule going... But I have to force myself to remember that this is MY life and I have to do what's good for ME. I've got to stop living for other people and I need to remember that when I make decisions. So here it is: a toast to MY LIFE :)

Close a door and a window opens

Wow time is going by way faster than I thought it would! It just hit me that I have to pack all my clothes and everything!! I dunno how the heck that managed to slip my mind... Oh well. It's starting to get really hard for Arean too. But then again we started talking and getting to know each other on the day I got the job in SLC, so he knew it was coming when he was going in to our relationship. I'm kinda sad that I'll be done working at Alb's cause I really do love my job and the people there. I've just been really, really happy for the past couple of weeks so it's going to be hard to see it come to an end. But you close a door and a window opens right?? I'm way psyched to be back in my city!!! I love the SLC and I'll be living in my new place and I'll get to be back with all my friends and on my own again.... Omg I love that life... So it's going to be hard, but it would be better if time could just slow down a tad

"It's like PB&J... Pam Beesley and Jim"

I completely forgot how much I LOVE The Office!!! Michael and Dwight are just too funny and Pam and Jim are so adorable! I just can't get enough and don't want to go to sleep cause I jsut want to keep watching The Office. Ew there's a bug on my carpet... I can see it crawl across the floor. But I must say, bugs don't really creep me out. Spiders, on the other hand, DO! Weird.

Today I made a customers day. I realized, it's really amazing that you can work an 8-hour shift and deal with bitches and coupon ladies and perverts etc. etc... but then there's one person who's day you make by doing nothing really special and in turn, it makes your day complete. All it takes is just that one customer, a total of three minutes of interaction, that makes up for all the other 8 hours worth of @$$holes. Today was a good day.

Well, I gotta get back to The Office!

Viva la Vida

So I decided I am going to live life to it's very fullest today!! I'm going to do things that I want to do, not things I think I'm expected to do! I'm listening to the song "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay and I love it! I dunno why, but it makes me feel motivated to do something with my life... Okay, guess I better get started!!

SALT LAKE!!!!!! :)

I'm finally, finally back in Salt Lake and I LOVE it!!!! I am so very excited to be back down here and working and going to school and hanging out with Allison! Life is so, so great... I have high hopes that one of the jobs I am wishing to get will fall into place perfectly. We'll have to see what happens, but I pray to God that it will work out. THANK GOD I'M IN SALT LAKE WITH ALLISON!!! Life can't get much better than this :)

Waiting - - for what??

Oh and by the way... haven't started to post things on my vision board... WHAT THE HELL AM I WAITING FOR!! Damn... things sure as hell aren't going to post themselves... Get your act together girlie!! Okay, I promise myself that I will work on my vision board tomorrow and have at least THREE things posted by the time I go to bed. Deal? Deal.

Weird timing...

Life sure is weird... Today two guys that I have a history with who I haven't seen for over a year both walked into my life today! Who'da-thunk-it?!? I kinda have mixed feelings though cause both of them wanted me to do things that I didn't feel comfortable doing... So I'm thinking they're both happend to come across me and are wanting more... Hmmm I don't really know what to do cause I'd like to "have fun" this summer, but I worry what I'm getting myself into. Argh why do I have to live at home!? I wish I could just go out and do whatever the hell I want and not have to worry about my parents and what they think or abide by their rules! Suck. Aw well, I suppose I'll just have to sleep on it tonight and see how I feel in the morning

The Vision Board

The other day I was watching Oprah with my mom and the show was about change and how your mindset, thoughts, and attitude can change your life for the better. They talked about how creating your own vision board can help you see what things (material and non-material)or emotions you want the most and how if things are meant to be, they will come to you n time. So I have decided to start my own vision board. There are so many things I want out of life, like good health, good grades, a sunny attitude, and easy forgiveness. There's also a couple material things that I think I'd like, but we'll see if it's truely what I desire. It's already a brand new day and I hope to not waste a second of it!

Argh... Frustration!

Why does he have to be so difficult?? Every time I ask him how he is, I really am interested! I'm not trying to make small talk, I don't consider him as just an acquaintance... It's just so frustrating sometimes because he does this every time! And I try to explain every time, but he keeps insisting and, quite frankly, it pissed me off. I can see his side of the story, that I'm in love with this one guy and if I want him, he's all that matters. But it's not completely true! He matters too! He's my good friend and I worry about him... Argh I just don't know what to tell him anymore because it's always the same song and dance and it obviously isn't getting through. Why does he always have to continually bring up him? I want to talk to him about himself... I don't need to continue to hear about him, especially when I ask him to stop or deliberately change the subject. I'm getting to my wits end! HELP!

Energized!!

Wow, it's been awhile since my last post. I'm doing pretty good today... felt like just bumming around til I went on this amazing bike ride and now I'm all energized and full of endorphins! Yesterday I had a rough time at work and I don't really know why. I just felt really sad and wasn't in the mood to tend to peoples needs or anything. But the weird thing is, I dunno why I was sad... I was fine earlier that day and I wasn't mad at anyone. Nikki was really nice though and kept trying to make me laugh and smile. By the time my shift was over I was fine though. Maybe I'm getting more and more "Salt Lake sick." I really love Salt Lake and I wish I was there more everyday... Well it's a gorgeous day today! The weatherman keeps saying rain later this evening, but he's been saying that everyday since Saturday adn has been wrong. I'm getting excited to go on an actually vacation this summer! I haven't gone on vacation in summer since the summer before I was a junior in high school, so it's well deserved :) Later!

I'm in love with a guy. Though he doesn't know it or anything, he's the one I want to marry. He's perfect. Everything about him is flawless. I've loved him since the first time I met him and I can still remember every little thing that I learned about him that made him even better in my eyes. I don't really know how to explain it or even figure out what the hell I can do about it... But I love him. How do you tell someone who doesn't know?

Smell of Summer

Aw crap... I had this blog written and then totally erased it all on accident. Lemme think what I had written... Okay, so today I feel like being lazy and not doing much. I just want to lay around, read my book, watch some TV, read my magazine, etc etc. But I figure, since this is my summer, I should live this summer day to it's fullest and do whatever I want to do. I've been really busy lately just with work and chores and errands that I think it might be good for me to just relax before I work later tonight. I read this article recently about living in the present and not worrying about the past or future, because we never get to the future and there's nothing we can do about our past. To enjoy life fully, you have to live and appreciate the here and the now. So I've been working on that lately and it seems to be going really good! Well I can smell summer breezing in my window so I think I'm going to lay back and enjoy the breeze :)

Yard work!

Today was an AWESOME day! It just went by so fast, but I was so productive and got so much done! I did a lot of yard work, and there's still some I get to finish tomorrow. I would have done the weed-whacking today, but I couldn't figure out how to fix the whacker.... But I'm all set to go tomorrow!! Then I worked 8 hours too, but my gosh, they went by so fast! That almost never happens, especially for how slow we were. The weather is finally getting simply gorgeous and I'm just loving it! Today was amazing and I'm hoping for one just like it tomorrow! :)

"...don't let it get away"

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY!!! The weather is just gorgeous, I'm in Salt Lake City, I get to hang with Allison, her new place is amazing, and I'm just really very happy and content. This is exactly how I expected to spend my summer and I'm going to just live it up today! As U2 says:

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away...
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow...
Was a beautiful day

That is my all time favorite song because it always makes me feel so at peace, content, happy, and in love with life. I plan to live today to it's fullest and thank God for all the wonderful gifts He's given me!

Life is good :)

Angry

Yesterday my grades were finally posted for the semester... I am so extremely angry and disappointed at myself for not working even harder!! I knew the classes weren't going to be a breeze and even though I had no interest for the science ones, I still should've worked my butt off to show others and prove to myself that I can still do well. Unfortunately I must have given up on myself early on because it showed. I did awful. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. A part of me feels like people should know what a disaster I am... but yet I'm so embarrased I wish I could just run away and make everything better. I'm really hoping to make up for it by doing FABULOUS this next semester. Hopefully not living with K**** and taking classes in my major that I looove will help. Also, being "motivated by the lack of doubt" and knowing I'll do great if I put my mind to it. Though I am still very angry and disappointed in myself, I feel very optimistic about working hard this fall.

On a brighter note, I'm loving being out of school for the summer and working! It's great to be home and be busy, but not studying, studying, schoolwork, studying busy. Work has been great, I really love everyone I work with but am kind of having a little bit of an inner tug-of-war about my feelings between the relationship of my bff (who's my manager) and this other guy... so we'll just have to see what happens with that. I anticiapte that I'll just step back though and not pursue him anymore.

Today I was able to drive down to Salt Lake City to visit my very best friend on my day off! I knew that I missed the big city, but when I got off the interstate and was finally drving through the city, I realized how much I sincerely LOVE and MISS Salt Lake City!!! A big part of me doesn't want to go home tomorrow because how much I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be! I'm glad I chose to go to school here and am almost anxious for the fall when I can come back!

A personal goal for this summer concerns my weight. I'm really hoping to get in shape and lose a lot of pounds, but I know that's no walk in the park. It's an easy equation that involves hard work and dedication. But I'd kill to see the look on some of my friends' faces when I come back lean and thin! I've already hit a few rough patches, but I've got to keep to it!!

Well that's a lot for now... but I'm all out!!! :) Later

Finally... nothin' to do!

My chem final did not go well... I completely blanked. Now I'm really scared I'm not even going to pass that class. But oh well, there's nothing I can do except thank God it's OVER!!!

It's really sad that everyone is leaving. I almost still feel like the semester isn't over yet, but yet, I feel like I've got nothing to do. It definitely is one of the best feelings in the world! I think I'm just going to take my time to pack and sit back, relax, listen to some music, read some magazines, and think about life.... I can hardly wait to get started :)

PS. This state sucks... snow in May?!? WTF

Bio Final

This morning I had my Bio Final... and afterward instead of feeling relieved that it was over, I still felt kind of sick about a couple of things I wish I would've memorized. But oh well, all I can do is celebrate it's over!

Yesterday was really a shitty day for me, so I'm hoping today is much better!! Ugh, I'm so sick of school and my science classes, I can't wait til it's all over. I hope that I pass my classes this semester, or that just might push me over the edge all the way into my Sociology major, which I'm starting to think is what I want to do with my life. Well, I've got a whole summer to think about what I want... I'm starting to look forward to going home, even though I think there are more pluses to being here.

Today I'm going to try to stay really positive, because I know my attitude determines how good a day I have! :) Yay for studying chem...

First Blog!

Well, I'm kinda new at this blogging thing... But I'm doing it to not only help a friend in need, but also to hopefully help myself. Maybe if I have another outlet, I can figure things out or think about my problems in a different. So, we'll definitely see how this goes!!